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Let’s talk relationship

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What kind of talks are generally does happen in your home during the dinner time?

What kind of lecture do you often get?

What seems like the most worrying thing for your parents when it comes to your life?

What are the most common topics that your family pick as part of mentoring you?

I don’t know about you all but as far as I have known and witnessed, it’s mostly about success, career, money, how to be better than cousin and “falana,” how to behave, how to act, etc. BUT, it’s never about relationship, it’s never about love and essence. No one from home tells us what is relationship, what is marriage, what happens after marriage, what are the challenges, what ruins relationships, what differs good from bad relationship, etc.

One bad relationship and our life is screwed up. We get lost.  We become purposeless.  We lose spirit.  Life feels like of zombie, but everyone here acts like relationship means nothing. To them, It’s always about job and career and house and car. Children are left on their own to figure out about love and relationship. Relationship cover half of our life and no one is bothered to guide us, to teach us, to tell us about.  Nor media take the responsibility.

There are many from our relatives to give us philosophies and speech on life and career but barely anyone steps up to tell us about relationship, marriage, from their experiences.  We are left to take relationship advice from friends who have not lived a life enough to give a right advice and articles on internet from different culture.

Next time, when you wonder why Kmag often talk about love and relationship, remember there are 100s of media to talk about politics, to talk about government, to give free tips and advice on politics and governance; dozens of pages to complain and criticise about their misdeeds; there are 100s of individuals to feed motivational/inspirational stuffs regarding success and growth, but barely anyone to tell about relationship, guide and mentor on, that gonna fill half of our life.  Wish there were a culture of parents speaking with their children on love and relationship and parenting and stuffs, wish there were a class and courses in syllables on those things. But then, well, we are so primitive that we are still figuring out constitution.

Until then, we gotta talk here on, learn and understand from each others — Love and relationship matters as much as politics and economy and career and education.

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Love and Relationship

What did you learn from previous relationships?

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As humans, we are naturally built to crave connection. We want to love and be loved. No wonder, relationships occupy a major part in our lives. But “Happily Ever Afters” do take a lot of time, dedication and effort. Not every one of us are blessed enough to marry our first love. We go through lessons after lessons until we find the right one. But most of them are painful. Can’t we skip them?

Below are the few similar lessons from Quora that people shared from their own personal experiences. I hope these lessons save you from years of heartaches.

You learn self-love.

It is a well known fact that you can only pour out what you have. If you lack love yourself, how are you supposed to give it to another person? Self love is a basic foundation in any relationship. When you respect and value yourself, you can give the same to your partner. Lack of self love leads to low self esteem, which will slowly eat away your relationship.

Andrew Ferebee wrote,

In several relationships, I would begin prioritizing my partner so heavily that I would stop taking care of myself.  Look, you won’t be able to be the man or woman they need if you aren’t taking care of yourself. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, go to the gym, prioritize alone time and realize that all of these activities will make you a better partner… Not a selfish partner.” He continues- “Simply put, without self-love, there can be no love for others. You’ll constantly be using others to gain validation and approval instead of giving yourself validation and approval and then inviting others on the journey with you.

And honestly, I think this lesson needs to be heard by all.

Communication is the key.

Admit it, no matter how well people claim to know each other, people can’t read minds. And that’s the most important reason why you should always communicate whatever you’re feeling. Silence isn’t always golden, is it? Ankit Verma writes,”Only those relationships work where there is equality, maturity and active vocal communication about the problems, from both sides.”  Yes indeed. When you are vocal about your needs and problems, you can sit and fix things like how it should actually be done.

Another thing that you should know is, ” People speak different languages of love“- as Kwasi Baako states. Most of the time, the reason that your relationship isn’t working out is because your language of love doesn’t match with that of your partners. When this happens, s/he may not feel loved despite your best efforts. In such case, the first thing you should do is communicate with each other and solve the misunderstanding.

Keep your dignity- Learn to let Go.

When a relationship ends for the first time, it feels so devastating that you try to hold on – especially when the breakup is coming from the other person. Your mind will play a thousand tricks on you, because it loves the feeling of familiarity. When such a situation arise, know that it’s the time when life is testing you. You clinging to a person who deliberately chose to walk away, is only going to give them an ego boost and nothing more. Don’t give in- trust me, you are only extending your heart break.

Kwasi Baako writes- “NEVER EVER GO BACK TO PEOPLE WHO WALK AWAY FROM YOU — it’s a waste of your time , your energy and the highest form of disrespect to you,”

And yes, that is the truth, no matter how bitter it sounds.

You gotta be independent.

Udita Pal talks about three types of independence that everyone should learn- Financial Independence, Emotional Independence and Social Independence. I don’t even have to explain much because she made it so clear herself.

In her own words-

There are three kinds of independence I’m talking about.

Financial independence: It doesn’t matter who earns more or less; you need to be at a place where your partner or not you can manage your lifestyle. It would be best if you want a partner, not an ATM.

Emotional Independence: A lot of people go through depression immediately after the breakup, which is normal but you need to understand you are more than someone’s partner and relationship or not -you are still going to exist.

Social Independence: You need to have friends outside the relationship and for sure out of the mutual circle, you need people around you to continually remind you that you have someone other than one person looking out for you. And most importantly, never ignore your parents and close ones for your partner.

Say yes to healthy boundaries.

Andrew Ferebee says,” You need to know what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship and have the guts to actually enforce that.”

Basically, establish healthy boundaries, communicate them and maintain them. You have to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy compromises in a relationship. When you compromise thinking they would change in the future, you are only sowing unresolved conflicts that will show up one day or the other. If you aren’t happy with your partners’ habit in the beginning, chances are you won’t be happy with it five years down the lane.

In the end,

These are only a few among the hundreds of lessons that people shared on Quora. You can definitely check it if you want to read more. But remember, failed relationships never means that you failed your whole life.

Yes I do understand that it may have been a good relationship. But my darlings, good relationships doesn’t necessarily have to be right ones for you !!!

 

 

 

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Life&Stuffs

What does life feel like in 30s

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Life is too short to experience everything on your own in order to learn, so listen to life experiences and advice from experienced so that you may actually save years of your life to experience something new.

 

That’s been my moto since I understand life funda bit.  Since then, I keep my eyes and ears sharp to get the catch.  And, I got my catch on 8th December,2019 when I stumbled upon this question by Kaagmandu Magazine on Facebook “What is the best part of life in 30s?”

Now, not to forget, I am still in my early twenties, all the answers were pointing only one thing:  I WAS IN FOR A TREAT!!! Getting to know real life experiences from all these people from diverse backgrounds that I would never otherwise meet, wasn’t something that happens everyday. So I dug into the comment section.

Lemme share you the few things I learnt:

You appreciate your family more

This comment from Ashtha Karki caught my eyes. She wrote “My biggest realization….you aren’t aging alone…with you, you parents age too. So, you start loving them a little more and appreciating them a little more. Except that, 30s is all about focusing, contemplating and enjoying life. Give no shit, take no shit!!” Girl, I thank you for this!

And when Samrat Shreztha said,”Family is everything to you. A good day at job, good food and a good TV show will make your day. Helping your child adds meaning to the life.” Aww! I just hoped to be content with my life like he is, when I reach my 30s.

You become more responsible.

Amin Ghale expressed, “30s is accepting that you can’t run away from responsibilities and knowing how to cherish them no matter at what shape and size they surprise you.”  In my opinion, we all cherish our childhood phase in our 20s, more than teens time, and the most missed part is carefree life.  Well, now I think I got the point of 30s.  In 20s, we are actually less responsible and we have kind of responsibility, commitment phobia.  Makes sense.

You learn to make healthy boundaries

In the comment I found  how Gaurav Kc and Rahul Bajracharya shared their stories of how they learnt to say NO to people, activities and obligations that don’t add value to the life.

I learned how to say “no” to people, activities and obligations that don’t bring value to my life. – Gaurav KC

I could not agree more! Unhealthy boundaries is something everyone in their teen and 20s struggle with. We always go extra miles for people, ignoring how it might have been costing our own life. I know most of you have been there like me. Time to set up some healthy boundaries !!

You get financial liberty.

So it got a little twisted when reality kicked in.  Suren Kunwar made it more open. To express it in his own words, ” The best part in 30’s occurs only if you have accumulated a good amount of money in your bank account- if you haven’t, there is nothing called best part of life, not only in 30’s but 40’s 50’s and so on- money operates everything“. The lesson? Unlike the most ideologist comments society make, money does matter in life. Money is the reason why you have this privilege of reading this article, while a kid in Dolpa doesn’t even know how to read and write.

But here is the good news! You do have that ability to earn for yourself. Santosh Gautam explained it simply- “Financial liberty. Like you can afford to spend as per your wish(in day to day life) . For eg. you see a great pair of shoes and then you buy it.It does not mean you earn heck lot of money, but you can afford to charge your credit card or bill it in EMI because you are confident enough to pay off shortly. Back in 20s, you had to calculate how much monthly budget you exhausted and how much is remaining. Neither did you have courage to buy it in credit(card/EMI).”

After all, being financially independent , able to afford a good life for you and your family makes it worth everything.

You priorities in life change.

Subash Verma said,”You understand the games of life more easily.”  And when you understand the game, you play it like a pro. You realize people’s opinion doesn’t matter much and at the end of the day, all you want is some peace of mind. You become more clear on what you want to do in life- unlike the confusing age of 20s. Health becomes an actual priority.

This isn’t the end of it. All those gems were priceless, coming from such wonderful people that I couldn’t name them all.  If you are in your 20s, you should definitely check each of those comments and try to understand, even if you could not feel it.

Last but not the least, Not to miss this one by Shiva Raj Bhandari –

The best part of life in 30s is to be at this point (time) of the life. Every age is at it’s best. What makes us feel best at certain age is our experiences, our past. Had we have not lived all those years we wouldn’t feel what is best at this time of your lives. What we might think the best at 30s, may not be the case at our 40s or 50s and so on. What we thought was best at being 16, like sweet 16, isn’t the best now. We lived further and experienced different view on that. So for me- the best part of life in 30s is to be at this point of time, to be alive, to be loved. to be lived, to have everything that I have, and such!
Cheers to 30s!!

 

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Arts & Literature

The death of myths and the age of anxiety – the great existential dilemma

Author of this article is Mr. Atit Shanti Rijal.  Mr. Atit holds a great interest in philosophy and is an avid reader and likes to share his knowledge and understanding and sometimes, his own philosophical ideas and thoughts through publishing platform like us.

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Myths have remained an integral part of human history. We believe that we are being looked after and that we are loved unconditionally – by a “creator” and a “controller” force.

We believe that there is a meaning to life and that we have a central place in the cosmic existence. We have believed in myths for they have provided easy answers to our questions. We believe we have a duty to fulfill and that we expect others to fulfill theirs’.

We humans have found comfort in religious documents and in romantic literature. But, as we moved on in time, our natural tendency to question things gave rise to realism. Realistic views of the world has made several of us fearful of the huge void that is our existence. We now have varied answers to how and why we exist, we have varied philosophies dealing with human existence.

We do not know for a fact what existence actually means and, now find it harder to give meaning and purpose to life.

As answer-hungry beings, we suffer. We suffer, since we do not know why “we” exist in a rock that hangs on a vast nothingness.

We do not know the beginning and might never know the end.

Does a moral life lead to a smooth after-life? Does an immoral life continue the circle of birth and death? What is a moral life? How do we define a “normal” course of human action? Is life what a group of people (society) define it to be?

These questions are asked by many of us, but, find it hard to put forward because our society has made us to believe that life is in fact beautiful, that success is the ultimate goal, failure devalues life, that love can be easily found, and, that respect is gained through our taste in and choice of class. The “meaning” of life is pre-determined “for us” by those who were born before us.

We fear of being judged – judged of our sanity being questioned, since these are not normal topics for a normal societal person. How dare you rise above the general mass and ask questions that we do not seem to like? Existentialism bores us, do you not understand? Reality is what we have made it to be. This is existence. This right here is the reality.

We would rather believe that human civilization is “certain”.

We are afraid of changes.

And, thus, as we grow older, we slowly begin to “accept” the normality, that is society. We go to functions with the intention of showing our class to people – our class that has been defined by our societies. We have less intellectual discussions and try to stay away from topics that do not suit our liking. We confirm with the norms of the society no matter how hard some are to achieve, or, how meaningless and futile they are to perform.

We build our image as our society wants it to be. We find it extremely tiring to revolt against some of the childish illusions our society wants us to put up with.

But some have indeed started to question myths. They have started questioning the “existence and creation myth” that we are made to believe. From the 129th hymn Nasadiya Sukta to modern thinking and discourses, some of us have started to revolt.

Some of us have started to separate myths and the existence of consciousness.

We have started to question our being. Why are we here? What purpose are we to serve? We have stopped sticking to a singular idea of creation – we have started questioning all of them.

To some this is a welcome release from the restraints of moral, social, and spiritual dogma. To others it is a dangerous and terrifying breach with reason and sanity, tending to plunge human life into hopeless chaos. To most, perhaps, the immediate sense of release has given a brief exhilaration, to be followed by the deepest anxiety.” (The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety, Alan Watts)

Those of us who have now started revolting the old ideas are but faced with anxiety. We are very desperate to rid ourselves of this angst. We are anxious because we as humans have killed myths and now have no answers.

For if all is relative, if life is a torrent without form or goal in whose flood absolutely nothing save change itself can last, it seems to be something in which there is “no future” and thus no hope.” (The Wisdom of Insecurity: A Message for an Age of Anxiety, Alan Watts)

One clearer thing is that we are not promised with an after-life, neither are we promised with God’s love and affection for maintaining our life as per our religious standards. We might have no purpose after all. We will study, work for the rest of our lives, retire and then die – quietly around a group of a few people and, then slowly and gradually be forgotten.

This knowledge, however, creates a dilemma – and the dilemma creates an existential crisis.

Many of us find liberation in being able to question the long known traditions of our family, our social life, of our government, the economy of our nation and of our religious belief. We begin to understand that only few things can be regarded to be true and fixed.

But many of us are anxious because we see these institutions fail and now have no rock to hold on to. We have been accustomed to believe that the pain and suffering of our life has some meaning and that we will be able to grab some surplus in the future. It is hard for some of us to believe that we as humans can however, fail.

We cannot accept that we as humans are insignificant in this cosmic reality because, we have, for much of our history, found comfort in myths – we have believed them to be true. But since myths are debunked, we find it hard to grant them positions in our consciousness.

We have abandoned gods and their mythical stories and have said frequently that our scientifically enlightened mind rejects something that has no basis in reality.

In the course of our scientific development, we forgot that myth while still alive had helped us with our existential questions. “Among the so-called neurotics of our day there are a good many who in other ages would not have been neurotic—that is, divided against themselves. If they had lived in a period… in which man was still linked by myth with the world of the ancestors…. they would have been spared this division within themselves.” (Carl Jung, Memories, Dreams, Reflections)

Myths provided ready answers to our questions about the unknown, it helped us to construct a meaningful story about the existence of life. Nietzsche and Jung point out that myths and religions in a teleological manner provide meaning to life. “The Pueblo Indians believe that they are the sons of Father Sun, and this belief endows their life with a perspective (and a goal) that goes far beyond their limited existence. It gives them ample space for the unfolding of personality and permits them a full life as complete persons. Their plight is infinitely more satisfactory than that of a man in our own civilization who knows that he is (and will remain) nothing more than an underdog with no inner meaning to his life.” (Carl Jung, Man and His Symbols). “Considered from the standpoint of realism, the symbol is not of course an external truth, but it is psychologically true, for it was and is the bridge to all that is best in humanity.” (Carl Jung, Symbols of Transformation)

We are now enlightened and have “killed” all the existing gods, and cannot go back to a debunked theory that we now know was never true. Carl Gustav Jung in his autobiography explains how we cannot go back now for we have been aware. But, Jung also saw the psychological problems of not having myths around and, how uncomfortable he was after having realized this fact.

Man today, stripped of myth, stands famished among all his pasts and must dig frantically for roots…” (Friedrich Nietzsche, The Birth of Tragedy). Since the death of myths, we are unable to make sense of our existence and are desperately trying to run away from the existential angst. We are frantically looking for distractions, to avoid anxious thoughts of our insignificance in this universe.

Now, we have built a coping mechanism against the death of myths – we have found comfort in entertainment. We are pleasured by television programs, photos and stories in magazines, shiny vehicles, alcohol and pornographies. We want to find good looking partners, easy payments and, less disputes. We find comfort in the lives of celebrities and search for their stories in internet where we spend countless of daily hours without realizing how wasteful our search for pleasure actually is. We would rather scroll downwards to new Facebook and Instagram posts than getting things done that we have been promising ourselves to complete.

We have time and again realized that pleasures are addictive because they are short lived. But they have temporarily ridden us of our existential angst and, have thus become important aspects of our lives. We thus exceed our limits to attain them. We are irritated and angry at ourselves and others when we fail to receive pleasure.

We require distractions so much so that we will sub-consciously jerk our legs or bite our lips frequently to avoid thoughts when we have our eyes off our phone, television and computer screens. Though we have killed our myths, we are still frantically searching for the meaning of our existence and thus are in a dilemma because we do not know how to.

According to Nietzsche and Jung we have replaced myths with other collectivist ideologies like politics. These ideologies have made us believe that they are indeed contributing to something big. We worship certain ideologies like the communism and democracy or whatever form these ideologies take. But they have time and again proven inadequate. Through multiple failed revolutions we have chosen our rulers and we still are in agony.

We have found pleasures and comfort in identity politics, but have lost our individual being. We have forgotten cultural unity by tying them with political theories. We have encountered multiple examples of how political ideologies have failed to provide happiness to people but we still run after them with desperation to find meaning. Jung portrays state as a mere modern pretence, a shield, a make-belief, a concept. Politics fails to provide individual importance. Politics is thus another myth that we have used to replace the original one.

Now, that we realize that these myths are not true and that they have died, can we remain intact with our being? The real question is, do we succumb to a nihilistic attitude after finding out how our existence is meaningless or, that we are not as important as we think? Do we have a rather negative view on life or, our existence as a whole?

Jung and Nietzsche argue that a nihilistic attitude would certainly lead to a wasted life. But what are we to do about the anxieties that follow the existential angst?

Nietzsche points out that we are in dire need of organizing our “own” individual meaning to our individual life. We are not in an age of the death of god but are in an age of the hero. The hero as per Nietzsche is someone who has the strength of his/her willpower to control his/her inner chaos which has been built because of our attachment to myths. The hero takes the challenge and faces up to the existing “individual” chaos and discovers “individual” solutions. The hero does not negate the past myths, but acknowledges them as sources of knowledge to find solutions for existential burdens of our time.

In order to be this “hero”, Nietzsche thought that it is necessary to stop clinging to religious theories or, mass movements and, to start to look within oneself. Every single individual according to him has a seed of unrealized potential, and the purpose of life is to see that potential and work towards actualizing it.

Nietzsche thought that “…we are not humans from the start; we need to become human. Toward this end, we need the insight “that only we are responsible for ourselves, that accusations that we have missed our life’s calling can be directed only at us, not some higher powers”. We are in no need of the delusion of a supernatural world, because the very task of becoming human is the truly colossal achievement.” (Nietzsche: A Philosophical Biography: Rudiger Safranski).

Though everyone has an inner desire to become their best self, the path to self-realization and self-improvement is hindered by fear and laziness, which according to Nietzsche are two universal human characteristics which prevent people from realizing their potential. These characteristics stop people from realizing their dreams and for most part of their life, people are disappointed and regret that they have missed several opportunities. A human’s life is thus filled with guilt and anxiety of not being able to achieve.

Nietzsche provided some solutions to these innate characteristics. He thought that humans need an “organizing idea”. He urged people to set an ultimate goal that they desired to achieve. The harder the goal, the greater one has to become to achieve it.

On the path towards the realization of such goals, the individual according to Nietzsche will find plenty of setbacks and pain. Nietzsche also thought that many individuals will run back to the comforts of ordinariness once they are faced with such difficulties and thus, leave their goals midway to their realization. These individuals are thus, ignorant regarding the value of such goals.

People are accustomed to believe that suffering is malevolent. The first reaction of people on suffering is to flee. We will again try and find sources of distractions to be temporarily released from these psychological pain. We do not wish to believe that our life can have sufferings.

Nietzsche on the other hand, saw value in suffering. He explained that “there is as much wisdom in pain as there is in pleasure…that it hurts is no argument against it but its essence.” (The Gay Science, Friedrich Nietzsche). This idea was also explained by Jung, who thought that anxieties and other forms of neuroses were not negative phenomenon. These neuroses may produce suffering, but they also inform us that our current way of living is concerning and that we are in need to improve it.

Nietzsche in his famous “the will to power” says “To those human beings who are of any concern to me, I wish suffering, desolation, sickness, ill-treatment, indignities – I wish that they should not remain unfamiliar with profound self contempt, the torture of self mistrust, the wretchedness of the vanquished: I have no pity for them, because I wish them the only thing that can prove today whether one is worth anything or not – that one endures.” (The Will to Power, Friedrich Nietzsche).

Nietzsche thought that suffering could be the key to liberation, if one learns how to utilize it to his/her advantage. An individual is to acknowledge his/her suffering, willingly face it and see that there is an opportunity to grow and increase his/her wisdom.

Anxieties are an innate human characteristic. We as humans are troubled by everyday existential angst. But we need to understand that, that is the only true reality of life. We will experience births, illnesses and deaths of people around us and ultimately ours’ own. We will not be here forever, we will not see or experience everything since our lives are very short. We need to understand that our existence is nothing more important than a mere dandelion. This realization would lessen our ego and we would start seeing everyone and everything as having an equal existence. This awareness should liberate us from holding on to things that have become problematic.

We need to know and accept that life has no meaning, and that it would be foolish of us to find something that does not exist. We are here to not find meaning but experience our “personal” existence and create our “personal” meaning as we move towards the basic truth – the end.

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