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Dating Vs Relationship

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It’s kind of sad that many people from this part of world don’t really understand the concept of relationship, dating, marriage and the differences.  Here, one likes a person, and then the very next thing starts is dreaming about marriage.  One starts dating, and the very next thing starts is, calling the person BF/GF.

That’s probably because parents and media here hesitate to guide youths in this aspect. Attraction is not relationship, dating is not relationship, relationship is not a ticket to marriage. Before a marriage, there is a process that modern world know well to follow, which is yet to be learned and understood properly.  So, here is our attempt to guide you all young boys and girls on what all those terms mean, in a simplest way possible.


Phase I:  Attracted 

A guy meets a girl, girl meets a guy. They find each other pretty attractive (or sometime, only one way). That’s it.  Love at first sight is bullcrap. There is nothing as such. It’s just an attraction. This is when the subject tells “I like that guy” or “I like that girl.”  

Now, as you are interested, an urge builds up to know the person in depth; know the person’s taste and hobbies, and passions and everything that matter.  But then, sometime you stop the urge then and there and never moves ahead and sometime you move ahead.   That’s the state of attraction.  Liking someone instantly or liking someone after regular contact has nothing to do with love.  It’s just an ATTRACTION.  As you must have heard in movie saying something, “I find you attractive.”  

Now let’s say, both parties like each other and want to proceed further.  This is when the dating phase starts.  “Hey, can I take you out?”  or “hey, can we date?”  That’s how it begins — the dating phase.

Phase II:  Dating

Here, you are in the dating phase.  It’s not yet love. It’s not even boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It is just a freaking dating, like job interview. You want to give a try, you want to know the person much beyond physical attractiveness. That’s it. Couple of dates you go for. You learn the taste and hobbies and things about the person. There is the first rule of dating: DO NOT FALL FOR YOUR DATE TOO QUICK. One should be careful enough to wisely learn about the person and see the compatibility. Great compatibility? Awesome! now, you take it to next stage that will be known as “bf/gf.”

If you find no such compatibility, you simply say “Well, nice meeting you good-looking, you are really not of my kind.  Sorry.

So understand this.  When some says, “I am dating that person.” It does not really mean, they are in relationship. It just means, the person is interested up on the other side and trying to see if is the right person to get into relationship or not. However, many in Nepal, we see people taking date too seriously. Well, that’s kind of “immaturity,” we must say.  Also, we can see many being labeled as “playboy” or “playgirl” just because they keep dating. Dating does not mean playing. It just means searching for the best compatible partner.  After all one life, you don’t know want to end up with someone not right for you.

Anyway, this is what dating is all about. It’s about knowing the person before getting into relationship. Couple of meetings, couple of dating, couple of films and restaurants and enough to figure out whether worth trying for relationship or not.

Let’s say, couple find each other a perfect date.  Now comes the next phase and that’s called RELATIONSHIP.

Phase III:  Relationship 

Congratulation. You are now officially eligible to change your FB status to “In relationship.” This is the stage, where there is supposed to be all the love and fun and that crazy ride of youthfulness. You fall in love, you are in love, you rise in love. All those rollercoaster moments. This is the time when you learn about weakness and strength of the person, you learn about the prospects of the person. You tell the world that you got a girlfriend or boyfriend. That  I-found-my-other-half moment is now what you are into.  


If dating is the job interview, this is the job training phase. Lots of things are happening does not mean you should take the job nor it means you gonna be granted the job. This is the crucial stage to decide whether the person is good enough to be father or mother of the future kid. A phase to see, if is good enough to be married and create a family or not. This period goes for pretty long time. You travel, you experiment life, you experiment youthfulness. Finally you kind of get over with the oxytocin high. Then comes ups and down, and all kinds of shitty things. Is everything going well? Is your bf/gf relationship still surviving and ready to move forward together? Does the person look perfect enough to be committed legally with? If “Yes!” Cool. Congratulation. Go get married. If “No, I don’t think will be a great spouse.” Ditch then.  Don’t marry. 

Is that clear enough? Wait, we will give you a best example. Have you ever wondered why in movie, when a boyfriend proposes his girlfriend for marriage, she be like “WOW.” She cries and hugs and be so thankful and all.  It’s funny to some people from this part of world thinking “they live together, they have sex, they go around, and still why “marry me” proposal is taken as overwhelming moment?”  You know why?? Because relationship does not grant you marriage unless you pass the relationship test. When you are proposed, that means you passed the relationship. You are considered to be perfect one to marry and live for rest of the life.  So, until you are not proposed, you are just in relationship level.  It’s his/her right to decide when the time comes and readiness.

In this part of world, we tend to take boyfriend or girlfriend for grant, as if one is forced to marry his/her romantic partner just because been in relationship. That’s just BULLCRAP! Great boyfriend does not necessarily mean can be a great husband and same with girlfriend. Marriage means legally committing to someone to create a family, bring children in the world, raise them together, and die gracefully. You can’t just marry someone just because you found the person cool in some point in life. Marriage comes with social and financial responsibility, and many other things needed to create a family and raise children and grow old with.

Anyway, that is that. Relationship is the “Agniparikshya” moment. Now let’s say, both turn to be great couple, confident enough that  they can be a great husband/wife, there comes the proposal and happens the marriage.  



Phase IV:  Marriage 

This is the phase when you let your relationship to be legally recognised to create a family and devote life for each other for shared goals.

Look, how simple the concept of romantic relationship is. Problems come when you jump the stages without clearing each level or comprising and taking your relationship and emotions to next level.

In bullet points, 

  • You don’t need to date someone, just because you find the person attractive. You are not necessarily a “date worthy” just because you are attractive.
  • Just because someone asks you for date, does not mean the person is your bf/gf. Just because you are dating someone, does not mean you are committed to the person. You are just dating.
  • Feel free to discontinue dating, if the person is not of your type, no matter how attractive you found the person. Don’t be desperate to hook with someone even if not compatible. You gonna cry for this stupid decision later in your life.
  • If your date impresses you and is the perfect pick, go begin the relationship. But remember, he/she is not your wife or husband yet.  Also, remember relationship does not grant you marriage. You gotta earn it. You gotta work to prove that you are the right one to get married to.
  • If the person does not seem to be the best one to be the father or mother of your children or best to be your spouse, feel free to break up. DO NOT LET YOUR EMOTION FOOL YOU. DO NOT LET HIS/HER EMOTION FOOL YOU. You have all the rights to decide whom to marry and whom not. No one calls you a bad person for ditching someone that’s not fit to be your spouse. if all well and good, go marry. Be a wonderful parent, wonderful spouse, live your life happily, age gracefully.

Make things simple. Life is beautiful and easy if you know to live per the rule.  Life becomes complicated, relationship becomes complicated when you don’t know the fundamental aspects of romance and relationship and marriage and stuffs.




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29 Comments

29 Comments

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    Exactly, the point is that if you’re attracted you must know it’s attraction better say straight then making someone else in darker side. It’s better you know what it is? Most of the relationships ends due to lack of communication, misunderstandings and more doubting. We must learn that there is something another relationship feel than loving. Relationships is not only about a girlfriend and boyfriend, there are more attached relation friends, bestfriends, good friends, officemates, soo on.. We need to take things seriously and precisely.

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Knowledge & Infos

Report: Sexual Behavior trend among sexually-active urban Nepalese youth

We had conducted an online survey to learn about sexual behavior, trend and pattern, among Nepalese urban youths. It’s a report based on that.

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In order to learn sexual behavior trend among urban Nepalese youth, we had asked Kmag followers to participate in a survey anomalously to answer the following questions:

  1.  Their age when they had their first sex
  2.  Gender.  Options given were:  Male, female, and others.
  3.  District where they had their first sex.
  4. We had asked if it was before marriage or after marriage.
  5.  If it was a casual sex or while in relationship.



There were 396 respondents participating in the survey, out of which  284 had identified themselves as male,  109 had identified themselves as female, and 3 had identified themselves as Other (LGBTQ).

 

Background of respondents

Kmag being an English magazine and most followers being from Kathmandu and other major cities within the age bracket of 18-35, respondents can be classified as Urban Nepalese youth with good English proficiency, making them relatively exposed to global trend and modern values.   Thus, this survey may or may not represent the whole Nepalese youth, but can be good hint to gauge the pattern and trend of sexual behavior among Nepalese youth in whole.

Purpose of the survey

Purpose of the survey was to learn the sexual behavior among urban Nepalese youth, basically in terms of:

  1.  At what age, they begin to be sexually active.
  2. Gender wise sexual behavior.
  3. Percentage of premarital sex.
  4.  Nature of sexual relationship.

Authenticity of the survey

The survey was conducted online through anonymous form.  There can be a chance of false information being provided.  However, the case should only be marginal.

Data Analysis (WHAT WE FOUND)

Going through the data collected, we have broken down the data to make analysis on following heading

Average age at the time of first sex (Lost Virginity)

Per the report, the age at which respondents claimed to lose their virginity ranged from 13 years old to 30 years old.

In an average, sexually-active urban Nepalese youths had lost their virginity at age 20.36, in which males had lost their virginity at age 20.15 in average, and females at age 20.79 in average.  45% of males and 40% of females were found to have lost their virginity at age between 17-20.   However, data also showed a pattern that quite lot of females lose their virginity in early and mid 20s (35%), whereas males tend to lose their virginity in their late teen.

There in the figure, you can see number of respondents who had lost their virginity at the respective ages.

Teenage sex

181 out of 396 respondents had their first sex in their teenage.  That means 45.7% respondents had their first sex in their teen age.

Breaking it down gender wise:

Male:  47.5% of male respondents had their first sex in their teen age.

Female:  42.2% of female respondents had their first sex in their teen age.



Premarital sex

368 out of 396 respondents had their first sex before marriage, making it 92.92%.

Only 14 females out of 109 had sex after marriage, making 87.16% females with premarital sex.

Likewise,

Only 14 males out of 284 had sex after marriage, making 95.07% males with premarital sex.

 

Nature of Sex

We had asked if their first sex was casual sex or with someone they were in relationship with.

64.89% had their first sex with someone they were in relationship with.

35.11% had their first sex with someone they were not in relationship and had it as casual sex.

To break it down, gender wise:

116 out of 284 males had their first sex as casual sex (40.84%)

21 out of 109 females had their first sex as casual sex (19.26%)

This pattern says casual sex being usual and normal among youth, especially in their early days of exploring sexual life.

To summarize

  1.  Most urban youths from Nepal seem to become sexually active from age 17.
  2.  Average age of losing virginity among these youth is 20.38 years old.
  3.  Within sexually-active demography, premarital sex holds 92%.
  4.  3 in 10 had their first sex in casual bonding and not with someone in relationship.

Recommendation

This online survey may not give the exact picture of sexual behavioral of Nepalese youths in general, but it pretty much can hint us on the sexual behavior pattern and trend among urban Nepalese youths.

40% and more sexually-active youths were active since their teenage.
Likewise, there are 92% sexually-active youths before marriage itself.

In the country like Nepal where sex is still a taboo and neither at home nor in everyday life people openly talk about it, it’s in a way scary that so many youths are sexually active in a sexually-conservative society with no support system in case of pregnancy outside marriage or STDs.   The lack of sex education, awareness, and support system are putting so much of youths in such a vulnerable position that if anything goes wrong, they are forced to deal with it secretly.

For betterment of all, we recommend strong support system for sexually-active youths to reach out for help when in need.  Also, we recommend active sex education and awareness to build a healthy society.

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Education

Sex is Sad

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If I ask you to name one thing that happens in every home but nobody talks about it, what would you say? Did you just say ‘sex’ in your head? You are right, but no prizes for guessing the right answer here. And if you happen to be “an innocent child” who does not like to talk/read about sex, this is where you should stop reading. Still here? I am not joking, this is not for you.

 

Let me ask you another question: Have you ever asked anyone in your family: ‘How was I born?’ Most of us have. If there was a competition to select a question with the potential to generate the most bizarre answers, this question would be unbeatable. I will share some, yes there was a variety of answers I got from ‘unreliable sources’ of my family. One, I was found on the premise of Janaki Mandir and was brought home. Seriously? Two, children are born by the exchange of body fluids (not what you think!) provided the couple is married. That body fluid was sweat. Did you really think they would “pollute my mind” by giving me the truth? No way! (If you have similar answers to share, share them in comments!) Can you imagine how cheated a child feels when he discovers the truth behind the process? Oh, the liars! The mystery was officially unlocked only after sitting through awkward lectures on the reproductive system in grade 9. I say awkward because: One, it was too late to teach us as we had been informed, and somewhat misinformed, from ‘other sources’. Two, the teacher almost gave a statutory warning saying not to ask “too much”. In short, it was boring. And when even sex is boring, in any way, you know it is not being done in the right way, don’t you? 

Maturity is realizing the difference between sex education and education on the reproductive system. Not very long ago I realised the difference and also that little or no sex education has been provided to me by the school or home. School teaches us the reproductive system, one of the reasons sex happens. Is it the only reason? You know the answer. The other reason is almost untouched by the present curriculum. It covers a few topics like contraception and STDs but nothing about different sexual orientations, behaviors, sexual rights and, more importantly, sexual wrongs. In fact topics like homosexuality are so unfindable in the curriculum that I saw a friend of mine put up the ‘rainbow filter’ on his Facebook profile picture thinking it was to “celebrate monsoon.” And the same people end up using homosexuality to even abuse (using words like gay, ‘chhakka’) others. Sadly, a ‘chhakka’ exists as the most valuable shot in Cricket but as a most derogatory word when it is used to denote your sexual orientation. Being different than the rest doesn’t imply being unnatural. It simply means they have a different nature. If we go by that belief then all the left-handers are unnatural, the whole of more than 700 million of them!

Marriage is the only kind of sexual right in our society. To put it in another way, ‘right sex’ only happens between heterosexual married couples, including marital rape. This norm has been independent of time and an established moral code of society since the time people were married off at the age of 10-12 years. Interestingly, we have fought off, and almost abolished, child marriage but kept our silence on ‘marriage as the only sexual right’ thing. The marriage age has risen from teenage to late twenties to early thirties. But we continue to live by the same old principles. This generally creates two kinds of people. One, the sexually frustrated one, those who abstain from having sex due to the fear of society. And two, the guilty section of people who feel they have broken a sacred law of society by addressing their natural urge, irrespective of the ‘protection measures’ they take. But still, according to ‘the great time-expired sex norms’ of our proud society, all practices other than ones happening in a marriage are sexual wrongs, even masturbation! 

We are proud of our culture. Not talking about sex is culture too. But what I find ironic is that a huge number of such traditions are practiced which have sex or sexuality at their core. Let me give you some examples: A famous example would be “Goddess Kumari” in Kathmandu. Only girls who haven’t menstruated can be Kumari. Another one is preventing Hindu widows from wearing colourful clothes and consuming foods categorized as Tamasik food (like meat, fish, onion, garlic etc) because they, according to Hindu holy texts, may induce sexual urges in that person which would be “immoral”. Another funny one from Mithila culture is you cannot “touch” the wife of your younger brother. If it had specified a special category of touching, that is sexual touching, it would be understandable. But here, the “touch” is generalized. We touch the feet of elders to get blessings and show respect. Is that not “touching”? We hug our friends, brothers, sisters. Is that not “touching”? But, yeah, we are sexually fucked up. Sex is so disregarded in human life out of one’s bedroom, hidden folders and incognito mode in browsers! So much that I am sometimes in total awe because I see people acting as if they are unaware of its entire existence. 

Sex is the reason we are born. Magically, sex is not involved in the birth of our “God(s)”. Again, a few funny examples: Rama was born because Kaushalya, his mother, ate rice pudding brought by a saint who emerged out of a Yagya organized by Dashrath! Hanuman was born because “Pawan Dev (God of air)” impregnated Anjani through the air! Remember the sweat theory that was proposed to me? Seems as if it is true because it was Hanuman’s sweat that was the reason for his son’s birth who was named Magardhwaj. And, Jesus was born to a “virgin” lady, Mary! And, I am sure you can find many more such stories. They must be stories, right? You don’t believe anyone can be borne by Sun, air, water, sweat and, of all other things, virginity! I am sure you don’t.  All of this goes to show the role religions have played to humiliate human beings for involving in a natural phenomenon. And, this “great” culture has continued through time.

Sex will find its way to children. If you don’t help in making its way, porn will. And when porn teaches sex education, it teaches violence, perversions, and sex fiction for free and strengthens patriarchy, which alone constitutes for at least ninety percent of the world’s problems already. And if you let porn teach sex education to kids, there will be adults in the world who will know that Superman is science fiction but not that most of the porn is sex fiction and a very inhumane one at that.

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Arts & Literature

Photo comments: My Tattoo

We had asked Kmag page followers to photo comment a picture of their tattoo and we received the following

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We had asked Kmag page followers to flaunt their tattoos through photos in a “Photo Comment” post, and the we received many photos out of which these are our best pick.

Madhusudan Sharma

Bikram Thapa

Prakash Shrestha

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