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What did you learn from previous relationships?

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As humans, we are naturally built to crave connection. We want to love and be loved. No wonder, relationships occupy a major part in our lives. But “Happily Ever Afters” do take a lot of time, dedication and effort. Not every one of us are blessed enough to marry our first love. We go through lessons after lessons until we find the right one. But most of them are painful. Can’t we skip them?

Below are the few similar lessons from Quora that people shared from their own personal experiences. I hope these lessons save you from years of heartaches.

You learn self-love.

It is a well known fact that you can only pour out what you have. If you lack love yourself, how are you supposed to give it to another person? Self love is a basic foundation in any relationship. When you respect and value yourself, you can give the same to your partner. Lack of self love leads to low self esteem, which will slowly eat away your relationship.

Andrew Ferebee wrote,

In several relationships, I would begin prioritizing my partner so heavily that I would stop taking care of myself.  Look, you won’t be able to be the man or woman they need if you aren’t taking care of yourself. Eat well, get plenty of sleep, go to the gym, prioritize alone time and realize that all of these activities will make you a better partner… Not a selfish partner.” He continues- “Simply put, without self-love, there can be no love for others. You’ll constantly be using others to gain validation and approval instead of giving yourself validation and approval and then inviting others on the journey with you.

And honestly, I think this lesson needs to be heard by all.

Communication is the key.

Admit it, no matter how well people claim to know each other, people can’t read minds. And that’s the most important reason why you should always communicate whatever you’re feeling. Silence isn’t always golden, is it? Ankit Verma writes,”Only those relationships work where there is equality, maturity and active vocal communication about the problems, from both sides.”  Yes indeed. When you are vocal about your needs and problems, you can sit and fix things like how it should actually be done.

Another thing that you should know is, ” People speak different languages of love“- as Kwasi Baako states. Most of the time, the reason that your relationship isn’t working out is because your language of love doesn’t match with that of your partners. When this happens, s/he may not feel loved despite your best efforts. In such case, the first thing you should do is communicate with each other and solve the misunderstanding.

Keep your dignity- Learn to let Go.

When a relationship ends for the first time, it feels so devastating that you try to hold on – especially when the breakup is coming from the other person. Your mind will play a thousand tricks on you, because it loves the feeling of familiarity. When such a situation arise, know that it’s the time when life is testing you. You clinging to a person who deliberately chose to walk away, is only going to give them an ego boost and nothing more. Don’t give in- trust me, you are only extending your heart break.

Kwasi Baako writes- “NEVER EVER GO BACK TO PEOPLE WHO WALK AWAY FROM YOU — it’s a waste of your time , your energy and the highest form of disrespect to you,”

And yes, that is the truth, no matter how bitter it sounds.

You gotta be independent.

Udita Pal talks about three types of independence that everyone should learn- Financial Independence, Emotional Independence and Social Independence. I don’t even have to explain much because she made it so clear herself.

In her own words-

There are three kinds of independence I’m talking about.

Financial independence: It doesn’t matter who earns more or less; you need to be at a place where your partner or not you can manage your lifestyle. It would be best if you want a partner, not an ATM.

Emotional Independence: A lot of people go through depression immediately after the breakup, which is normal but you need to understand you are more than someone’s partner and relationship or not -you are still going to exist.

Social Independence: You need to have friends outside the relationship and for sure out of the mutual circle, you need people around you to continually remind you that you have someone other than one person looking out for you. And most importantly, never ignore your parents and close ones for your partner.

Say yes to healthy boundaries.

Andrew Ferebee says,” You need to know what you will and will not tolerate in a relationship and have the guts to actually enforce that.”

Basically, establish healthy boundaries, communicate them and maintain them. You have to know the difference between healthy and unhealthy compromises in a relationship. When you compromise thinking they would change in the future, you are only sowing unresolved conflicts that will show up one day or the other. If you aren’t happy with your partners’ habit in the beginning, chances are you won’t be happy with it five years down the lane.

In the end,

These are only a few among the hundreds of lessons that people shared on Quora. You can definitely check it if you want to read more. But remember, failed relationships never means that you failed your whole life.

Yes I do understand that it may have been a good relationship. But my darlings, good relationships doesn’t necessarily have to be right ones for you !!!

 

 

 

curlyhead exploring life and spirituality

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Knowledge & Infos

Report: Sexual Behavior trend among sexually-active urban Nepalese youth

We had conducted an online survey to learn about sexual behavior, trend and pattern, among Nepalese urban youths. It’s a report based on that.

Published

on

Image: Unsplash

In order to learn sexual behavior trend among urban Nepalese youth, we had asked Kmag followers to participate in a survey anomalously to answer the following questions:

  1.  Their age when they had their first sex
  2.  Gender.  Options given were:  Male, female, and others.
  3.  District where they had their first sex.
  4. We had asked if it was before marriage or after marriage.
  5.  If it was a casual sex or while in relationship.



There were 396 respondents participating in the survey, out of which  284 had identified themselves as male,  109 had identified themselves as female, and 3 had identified themselves as Other (LGBTQ).

 

Background of respondents

Kmag being an English magazine and most followers being from Kathmandu and other major cities within the age bracket of 18-35, respondents can be classified as Urban Nepalese youth with good English proficiency, making them relatively exposed to global trend and modern values.   Thus, this survey may or may not represent the whole Nepalese youth, but can be good hint to gauge the pattern and trend of sexual behavior among Nepalese youth in whole.

Purpose of the survey

Purpose of the survey was to learn the sexual behavior among urban Nepalese youth, basically in terms of:

  1.  At what age, they begin to be sexually active.
  2. Gender wise sexual behavior.
  3. Percentage of premarital sex.
  4.  Nature of sexual relationship.

Authenticity of the survey

The survey was conducted online through anonymous form.  There can be a chance of false information being provided.  However, the case should only be marginal.

Data Analysis (WHAT WE FOUND)

Going through the data collected, we have broken down the data to make analysis on following heading

Average age at the time of first sex (Lost Virginity)

Per the report, the age at which respondents claimed to lose their virginity ranged from 13 years old to 30 years old.

In an average, sexually-active urban Nepalese youths had lost their virginity at age 20.36, in which males had lost their virginity at age 20.15 in average, and females at age 20.79 in average.  45% of males and 40% of females were found to have lost their virginity at age between 17-20.   However, data also showed a pattern that quite lot of females lose their virginity in early and mid 20s (35%), whereas males tend to lose their virginity in their late teen.

There in the figure, you can see number of respondents who had lost their virginity at the respective ages.

Teenage sex

181 out of 396 respondents had their first sex in their teenage.  That means 45.7% respondents had their first sex in their teen age.

Breaking it down gender wise:

Male:  47.5% of male respondents had their first sex in their teen age.

Female:  42.2% of female respondents had their first sex in their teen age.



Premarital sex

368 out of 396 respondents had their first sex before marriage, making it 92.92%.

Only 14 females out of 109 had sex after marriage, making 87.16% females with premarital sex.

Likewise,

Only 14 males out of 284 had sex after marriage, making 95.07% males with premarital sex.

 

Nature of Sex

We had asked if their first sex was casual sex or with someone they were in relationship with.

64.89% had their first sex with someone they were in relationship with.

35.11% had their first sex with someone they were not in relationship and had it as casual sex.

To break it down, gender wise:

116 out of 284 males had their first sex as casual sex (40.84%)

21 out of 109 females had their first sex as casual sex (19.26%)

This pattern says casual sex being usual and normal among youth, especially in their early days of exploring sexual life.

To summarize

  1.  Most urban youths from Nepal seem to become sexually active from age 17.
  2.  Average age of losing virginity among these youth is 20.38 years old.
  3.  Within sexually-active demography, premarital sex holds 92%.
  4.  3 in 10 had their first sex in casual bonding and not with someone in relationship.

Recommendation

This online survey may not give the exact picture of sexual behavioral of Nepalese youths in general, but it pretty much can hint us on the sexual behavior pattern and trend among urban Nepalese youths.

40% and more sexually-active youths were active since their teenage.
Likewise, there are 92% sexually-active youths before marriage itself.

In the country like Nepal where sex is still a taboo and neither at home nor in everyday life people openly talk about it, it’s in a way scary that so many youths are sexually active in a sexually-conservative society with no support system in case of pregnancy outside marriage or STDs.   The lack of sex education, awareness, and support system are putting so much of youths in such a vulnerable position that if anything goes wrong, they are forced to deal with it secretly.

For betterment of all, we recommend strong support system for sexually-active youths to reach out for help when in need.  Also, we recommend active sex education and awareness to build a healthy society.

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Life&Stuffs

World isn’t going to understand you.

If you can’t take pressure from family, who gave birth to you, who brought you up, who loves you and wants you, how will you take pressure from boss who will not care much about what matters to you, how will you take pressure of employees who will not care much about your business, your customers; how will you take pressure from those tax officers, and many more??

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World isn’t going to understand you.  World here doesn’t only mean strangers from streets or internet users from different part of the world.  Here, by saying world, I also meant to your own parents, siblings or loved one or children.  That’s the bitter of life.

Yes, even your parents, siblings, loved one or children can’t understand you every time for everything.  Actually, most of the times, if anyone would make our life harder by not understanding us, then it is our very close circle that includes mom, dad, brother/sister, relatives, loved one, children, etc.

There was a time I used to get angry with them for failing to understand me, my wants and desires, my views and concepts. I used to quietly scream inside out “why can’t you guys understand me??!! How nice everything would be if only you guys would understand me!!”

I often hear young people in their late teen or early 20s expressing frustration regarding parents not understanding them, siblings not understanding them, relatives not understanding them….some act out on this frustration and end their life.

And with time, I grew up and understood that an adult life is indeed quite challenging, especially when you are from collective society like Nepal.  This very close circle that includes parents and siblings and relatives and loved ones are my friends in need and at the same time, challenges and hurdles.  But then, it’s a process that would eventually refine me, fine tune me, train me on how to deal and convince, how to negotiate and get things done.  They are like your boxing partners, who you fight with every day, punch and get punched, get beaten up like dog, and you stand up and fight back again — AND YOU MASTER.

That shall prepare you for next level of fight with people that you have no affiliation with, no relation with, no connection with.  That fight will be the real fight which world gonna watch and define your life.

I often hear young people in their late teen or early 20s expressing frustration regarding parents not understanding them, siblings not understanding them, relatives not understanding them….some act out on this frustration and end their life.

Dear youths, if you can’t take pressure from family, who gave birth to you, who brought you up, who loves you and wants you, how will you take pressure from boss who will not care much about what matters to you, how will you take pressure of employees who will not care much about your business, your customers; how will you take pressure from those tax officers, and many more??

So ya, ideally speaking, it’s always nice to be surrounded by people who understand you but world in real is not so ideal.  In most cases, you can’t change your parents, you can’t change your relatives, you can’t change your neighbors.  So if they are tough, your option is
1.  Run away from them.
2.  Kill yourself.
3.  Learn to coexist in win-win setup.

World is never for people who don’t know to co-work, co-ordinate, and co-exist.  The test starts at home. Don’t hate the test. That’s how life is.  Embrace it.

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Life&Stuffs

Dating Vs Relationship

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It’s kind of sad that many people from this part of world don’t really understand the concept of relationship, dating, marriage and the differences.  Here, one likes a person, and then the very next thing starts is dreaming about marriage.  One starts dating, and the very next thing starts is, calling the person BF/GF.

That’s probably because parents and media here hesitate to guide youths in this aspect. Attraction is not relationship, dating is not relationship, relationship is not a ticket to marriage. Before a marriage, there is a process that modern world know well to follow, which is yet to be learned and understood properly.  So, here is our attempt to guide you all young boys and girls on what all those terms mean, in a simplest way possible.


Phase I:  Attracted 

A guy meets a girl, girl meets a guy. They find each other pretty attractive (or sometime, only one way). That’s it.  Love at first sight is bullcrap. There is nothing as such. It’s just an attraction. This is when the subject tells “I like that guy” or “I like that girl.”  

Now, as you are interested, an urge builds up to know the person in depth; know the person’s taste and hobbies, and passions and everything that matter.  But then, sometime you stop the urge then and there and never moves ahead and sometime you move ahead.   That’s the state of attraction.  Liking someone instantly or liking someone after regular contact has nothing to do with love.  It’s just an ATTRACTION.  As you must have heard in movie saying something, “I find you attractive.”  

Now let’s say, both parties like each other and want to proceed further.  This is when the dating phase starts.  “Hey, can I take you out?”  or “hey, can we date?”  That’s how it begins — the dating phase.

Phase II:  Dating

Here, you are in the dating phase.  It’s not yet love. It’s not even boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It is just a freaking dating, like job interview. You want to give a try, you want to know the person much beyond physical attractiveness. That’s it. Couple of dates you go for. You learn the taste and hobbies and things about the person. There is the first rule of dating: DO NOT FALL FOR YOUR DATE TOO QUICK. One should be careful enough to wisely learn about the person and see the compatibility. Great compatibility? Awesome! now, you take it to next stage that will be known as “bf/gf.”

If you find no such compatibility, you simply say “Well, nice meeting you good-looking, you are really not of my kind.  Sorry.

So understand this.  When some says, “I am dating that person.” It does not really mean, they are in relationship. It just means, the person is interested up on the other side and trying to see if is the right person to get into relationship or not. However, many in Nepal, we see people taking date too seriously. Well, that’s kind of “immaturity,” we must say.  Also, we can see many being labeled as “playboy” or “playgirl” just because they keep dating. Dating does not mean playing. It just means searching for the best compatible partner.  After all one life, you don’t know want to end up with someone not right for you.

Anyway, this is what dating is all about. It’s about knowing the person before getting into relationship. Couple of meetings, couple of dating, couple of films and restaurants and enough to figure out whether worth trying for relationship or not.

Let’s say, couple find each other a perfect date.  Now comes the next phase and that’s called RELATIONSHIP.

Phase III:  Relationship 

Congratulation. You are now officially eligible to change your FB status to “In relationship.” This is the stage, where there is supposed to be all the love and fun and that crazy ride of youthfulness. You fall in love, you are in love, you rise in love. All those rollercoaster moments. This is the time when you learn about weakness and strength of the person, you learn about the prospects of the person. You tell the world that you got a girlfriend or boyfriend. That  I-found-my-other-half moment is now what you are into.  


If dating is the job interview, this is the job training phase. Lots of things are happening does not mean you should take the job nor it means you gonna be granted the job. This is the crucial stage to decide whether the person is good enough to be father or mother of the future kid. A phase to see, if is good enough to be married and create a family or not. This period goes for pretty long time. You travel, you experiment life, you experiment youthfulness. Finally you kind of get over with the oxytocin high. Then comes ups and down, and all kinds of shitty things. Is everything going well? Is your bf/gf relationship still surviving and ready to move forward together? Does the person look perfect enough to be committed legally with? If “Yes!” Cool. Congratulation. Go get married. If “No, I don’t think will be a great spouse.” Ditch then.  Don’t marry. 

Is that clear enough? Wait, we will give you a best example. Have you ever wondered why in movie, when a boyfriend proposes his girlfriend for marriage, she be like “WOW.” She cries and hugs and be so thankful and all.  It’s funny to some people from this part of world thinking “they live together, they have sex, they go around, and still why “marry me” proposal is taken as overwhelming moment?”  You know why?? Because relationship does not grant you marriage unless you pass the relationship test. When you are proposed, that means you passed the relationship. You are considered to be perfect one to marry and live for rest of the life.  So, until you are not proposed, you are just in relationship level.  It’s his/her right to decide when the time comes and readiness.

In this part of world, we tend to take boyfriend or girlfriend for grant, as if one is forced to marry his/her romantic partner just because been in relationship. That’s just BULLCRAP! Great boyfriend does not necessarily mean can be a great husband and same with girlfriend. Marriage means legally committing to someone to create a family, bring children in the world, raise them together, and die gracefully. You can’t just marry someone just because you found the person cool in some point in life. Marriage comes with social and financial responsibility, and many other things needed to create a family and raise children and grow old with.

Anyway, that is that. Relationship is the “Agniparikshya” moment. Now let’s say, both turn to be great couple, confident enough that  they can be a great husband/wife, there comes the proposal and happens the marriage.  



Phase IV:  Marriage 

This is the phase when you let your relationship to be legally recognised to create a family and devote life for each other for shared goals.

Look, how simple the concept of romantic relationship is. Problems come when you jump the stages without clearing each level or comprising and taking your relationship and emotions to next level.

In bullet points, 

  • You don’t need to date someone, just because you find the person attractive. You are not necessarily a “date worthy” just because you are attractive.
  • Just because someone asks you for date, does not mean the person is your bf/gf. Just because you are dating someone, does not mean you are committed to the person. You are just dating.
  • Feel free to discontinue dating, if the person is not of your type, no matter how attractive you found the person. Don’t be desperate to hook with someone even if not compatible. You gonna cry for this stupid decision later in your life.
  • If your date impresses you and is the perfect pick, go begin the relationship. But remember, he/she is not your wife or husband yet.  Also, remember relationship does not grant you marriage. You gotta earn it. You gotta work to prove that you are the right one to get married to.
  • If the person does not seem to be the best one to be the father or mother of your children or best to be your spouse, feel free to break up. DO NOT LET YOUR EMOTION FOOL YOU. DO NOT LET HIS/HER EMOTION FOOL YOU. You have all the rights to decide whom to marry and whom not. No one calls you a bad person for ditching someone that’s not fit to be your spouse. if all well and good, go marry. Be a wonderful parent, wonderful spouse, live your life happily, age gracefully.

Make things simple. Life is beautiful and easy if you know to live per the rule.  Life becomes complicated, relationship becomes complicated when you don’t know the fundamental aspects of romance and relationship and marriage and stuffs.




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